


To Have And To Hold.

by My_s0ul_is_yell0w



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Midnight Confessions, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27570220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_s0ul_is_yell0w/pseuds/My_s0ul_is_yell0w
Summary: We loved with a love that was more than love.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	To Have And To Hold.

**Author's Note:**

> Amidst all the pandemic and chaos in the world and my personal struggles and fight with depressions, writing this fic and finishing it has been a real achievement. Even though it took me months to actually complete this, this small bit of success, it makes me happy.   
> And I hope it makes you too happy as it did for me.

Groaning, Alec slowly tried to open his eyes, the bright light in the room forcing him immediately to close it back up. He let his mind wander and tried to make sense of what the hell had happened the night before. Alec clearly remembered the beginning of the house party when he snuck into the kitchen to find a cold beer and settle in one of the corners, watching over Jace and Izzy. He also remembers Jace challenging him for beer pong and getting completely sloshed by the end of it. He remembered walking outside in search of some fresh air and stumbling into the one person he was unknowingly searching for the whole time he was there.

To say Magnus Bane was just his crush would be a gross understatement if you ask Alec. Since day one of college, when Alec saw Magnus enter his English Lit class with his small but tightly knit group of friends, he had his eyes on him. By fate or some kind of master plan by the universe, Alec was lucky enough to share a large chunk of his classes with Magnus. It was difficult with Jace around but Alec's eyes wandered off in search of Magnus at any and every available opportunity and to say that a single glance would make his day will be the absolute truth.

As a year passed by, Izzy joined Jace and Alec and at the same time, Magnus' friend circle kept growing. Alec wanted to be near him but the overthinking part of his brain urged him to step back because everyone knows that the silent broody nerd is definitely not Magnus' type. If he gets too close, there is a high probability that his infatuation might be noticed by one of the others. Despite all of Alec's reservations, Izzy being the chaotic soul that she is, quickly befriended Magnus. Fortunately, or unfortunately, Alec still doesn't know for sure, he and Magnus became part of the same social circle. And Magnus slowly became a friend who you stay back and talk to sometimes than a mere classmate.

Alec had more chances to admire him from up close and because of that, he noticed on one or two occasions that Magnus hastily looks away when Alec glances at him. He didn't put much thought into it because who is he kidding, it's stupid enough to hope to be friends with Magnus but stupider to wish for something more.

Alec usually hated parties in general but if he came to know that Magnus was going to be there, he found ways to go. He used to pretend to give into Izzy's pleads but in fact, he was thankful for his sister's persuasiveness because if not, they definitely would have caught on to his sudden interests in house parties. Tonight was no different. When Maia announced her birthday party, Alec was sure that Magnus would go, he just hoped that he would also be invited. Probably luck was on his side because as soon as she saw Alec in the coffee shop where she and Magnus worked, Maia invited him and his siblings to her house. Izzy jumped at the invite and agreed in an instant. There was a wicked glint in Maia's eyes that Alec couldn't quite put a finger on, Izzy hanging onto his arms prevented him from spending more time with the observation.

The last piece of memory that he has about the night before is crashing on to Magnus in the backyard, both of them equally wasted and stumbling onto the swing set towards the end of the garden. Eyes still closed, Alec tried hard to recollect what they had talked about because Goddamn it… The one chance he got to talk to Magnus alone, he was utterly hammered that he can’t remember a single word of what they had talked about. Cursing himself, Alec slowly tried to get up and freshen and maybe once he is not so hungover, he might get his memories back.

He was almost out of bed when he realized that he had left his hand behind. A not so small weight was on top of his right arm holding it down and stopping him from getting out. Alec slowly turned his head to his right and in that instant, his heart did a mighty summersault that he was afraid would break out of his chest. Right next to him, using Alec's hand as a headrest, laid Magnus, sleeping so peacefully. The close proximity and sheer domesticity of the situation knocked the breath out of Alec.

For a moment or two, Alec tried to absorb the situation he is in. There, in his arms was the love of his life, though Alec never admitted it to anyone but himself. He calmed his wildly beating heart down when he realized that Magnus was still deep in sleep that he wouldn't realize Alec being creepy staring at him. He sank back onto the bed, careful not to move his hand at all, and looked at the quiet sleeping form in front of him.

He doesn't know why or when or how they ended up in a bed together and for a wild second Alec feared that they had actually slept together and Alec was too damn drunk to remember their time together. But a quick look down showed all their clothes in their places and Alec breathed a sigh of relief. He slowly got back into staring Magnus. 

Though Alec currently belonged to the inner circle of Magnus's friends, he never really could watch him up close. Staring at only one of your friends when every one of you hangs out together is downright weird. So Alec tried hard, really hard, to maintain his composure in the close proximity of Magnus. It killed him inside to pretend to be unaffected, when he laughs along with Magnus, when their hands accidentally graze each other's, and occasionally when their eyes meet.

Now that they are a breath apart, Alec didn't hesitate one bit. He drank up the sight in front of him, heart wildly racing at the togetherness but calming him down the same time. 

Soft locks of pitch-black hair fanned on the white pillow, a few of them falling over his closed eyes. A barely-there smile etched on his pink lips, maybe a remnant of the dream that played behind the closed lids. Alec wished he could know what Magnus was dreaming about. He wanted it to be him, to be that person, precious enough for Magnus to dream about and bring a smile even while sleeping. A little far-fetched but a guy can hope.

Magnus reminded him of everything beautiful in this world. Like the joy of the first swim of the summer. Like the warmth of sunlight soaking in your skin at your first step outside in the early morning. Like the gentle shadows playing along the walls in a moonlit night lulling you into sleep. Like the comfort of your cozy pillow fort when you were five. Magnus reminded him of home.

As slowly as possible, Alec withdrew his hand from beneath Magnus and got up from the bed, trying his best not to wake up his cuddle partner. He tip-toed his way out of the room and went in search of others. Every one of his friends and a few others was sprawled on different surfaces around them, the aftermath of a wild party and a whole load of drunken games. A quick glance at the clock in the hallway showed it was barely past 3 in the morning. Alec tried to wake Jace up from where he was slumped on the couch near the fireplace but waking up a sleeping Jace might end up waking up the whole house, so after a try or two, he gave up and made his way into the kitchen in search of some water.

Though he had to bypass a few bodies in quite questionable positions on the way, Alec reached the kitchen without many obstacles. A quick search through the refrigerator and he found a bottle of water hidden behind a few beers. He almost closed the door when something caught his eyes.

Alec was not a quite popular student as such. But the fact that his siblings were Jace and Isabelle Lightwood naturally put him in a bit of the spotlight. Also, contrary to what he believes, people do notice Alec for his looks. So to say that there were several gossips regarding the silent mystery that Alec is, will not be an exaggeration. Alec, along with his siblings was under the scrutiny of prying eyes, even more so when they started hanging out with Magnus. Amidst all these, what people mostly failed to notice was Alec's massive sweet tooth.

He never really hid the fact that he craved anything sweet but he didn't quite advertise it also. Though Alec was not ashamed of people knowing that he had quite a sweet-tooth, there is only a small chance that you’ll think about pink fluffy drinks with sprinkles on top when you see Alec lightwood. But if you were to closely look at anything Alec chose for lunch, you can see that he somehow manages to get at least one sweet on to his plate. The on-campus coffee shop which acted more like a school cafeteria where almost every student hung out had more than enough doughnuts and cupcakes for his cravings. All of his coffee orders were filled with extra whipped cream and extra sugar. At times, when he gets too self-conscious to get something tooth-rottingly sweet, Izzy steps in and makes the order, only to swap with him later.

So, it wouldn't be a wonder if Alec's sleep-addled eyes found the last bag of doughnut that was left in the corner, either left there by someone for safekeeping or forgotten among other snacks at the party. Well, as the wise once said, ‘finders keepers’, aren't they? Either way, the two chocolate frosted doughnuts belong to Alec now. He happily munched on them both in an instant, feeling much lighter than before now that he had his fill of midnight sweet craving.

Taking a few sips from the bottle, well-fed and sated, Alec walked back to the bedroom where he woke up. Seeing that his immediate concern for the food and water was met with, the fear of going back to Magnus started creeping in. Falling asleep together, completely unaware of how they ended up in the position is one thing. Waking up may end up in an awkward exchange but then it could have been easily brushed away. But right now, if he made a choice to go back to bed to Magnus, quite literally as a matter of fact, after he is fully awake, then he is definitely going to look guilty when they wake up in the morning. Alec knows he is shit at hiding what he feels, especially in front of Magnus if he chose to question him.

He paused at the doorway, taking in the sleeping form that is in front of him, his mind playing out all the possible scenarios and crowding his thoughts with the worst of the outcomes. Alec was never the brave one in love, not like Izzy who chose to pursue what her heart desired, not like Jace who never had trouble finding someone among the horde of admirers that fawned over him.

Whispered confessions in the silence of the nights excited him more than a surprise performance with a choir in the middle of the park. Lazy mornings and freshly made pancakes spoke to him more than a Michelin starred restaurant dinner. Warm cuddles after a day of hectic work made him happier than club hopping. For Alec, it's always the little things. And chasing his dreams was always out of question. Not his job and definitely not his love. The weight of the expectations his parents had for him made him keel over more times than he would admit, hence going along with their choices became the easier option.

When he met Magnus for the first time, Alec knew that he was going to be an important part of his life. Might be some twisted joke by the universe or his pure luck, Alec got his wish granted to spend more time with Magnus. But spending time together with people tends to have certain side effects. Once when Magnus laughed a little too hard, he had to lean on Alec to keep him from falling, and even though it was quite oblivious to Magnus, their first touch sent a shiver down Alec's spine. Slowly but surely, the casual pats and touches became a regularity, and Magnus' hands sought out Alec's on more than one occasion. Though Alec tried to pin it up on the fact that Magnus was more of a tactile person, his heart bled for something more. Once or twice he thought he saw Izzy's eyes passing over them when they held hands but he can't be sure.

Even though they were pretty close as friends, this was the closest Alec has ever been to Magnus. And he might not be lucky enough to have this again. Alec made up his mind and slowly slid into his original position, trying not to wake up Magnus. When he felt Magnus stir, Alec held his breath and waited for him to settle back. To his surprise, instead of laying back down, Magnus snuggled closer to Alec and hugged him tighter.   
Alec might have entirely stopped breathing, he doesn't know, the only evidence of him being alive is the quite fast-paced thumping of his heart against his chest. He willed himself to calm down in the fear of waking Magnus up, his heartbeats loud in the otherwise silent room. Alec lifted his free arm and gently hugged him back only to find Magnus snuggle in closer, his head finding sanctuary beneath Alec's chin.

They laid together, entirely tangled up in each other, sharing the warmth and Alec found himself easing into it, his breaths turning shallow.

"I swear to God I will kill you if your lips are gonna taste sweet."

A voice mumbled from somewhere near his chest and Alec's heart came to a halting stop. His whole world came crashing down when he realized that it was Magnus who spoke. Alec panicked and all of his survival instinct begged him to flee. If not, if he stayed, he is going to die in utter mortification, and even though dying in the hands of the love of your life was an interesting way to go, he didn't particularly fancy that thought right now. It's better not to defend his actions and make it worse than it already is. Running it is.

Alec made a swift motion to get out of Magnus' grip only to get pulled back into the embrace. He struggled to get away but Magnus held on tighter until Alec gave up and settled down to pray for a speedy death. Once the resistance was gone, Magnus let out a quiet chuckle and burrowed himself further into Alec's hold. If nothing, Alec knew how stubborn Magnus is and if he chose to do so, he wouldn't let go of Alec even if the sky was falling down on them. So instead of fighting, Alec made a quick decision to welcome the few moments of comfort, for his heart deserved it. He would face the backlash and the embarrassment later, but for tonight, Alec was going to let go of his fears and let himself have it, whatever Magnus was willing to give him.

It wasn't until then that Alec actually processed Magnus' question. How the hell was Magnus supposed to know how his lips tasted like? It took another moment for Alec to realize that his brain mouth filter was malfunctioning and he voiced the question out loud rather than keeping it to himself.

“Like this.”

Alec would have gladly taken his time to think upon various implications of those two words but Magnus seemed to have made a choice. Because the next thing Alec knew was the tender lips that had been a constant presence in his daydreams find their way to caress his own. And everything he knew all his life, all the little moments of happiness and joy, every tender loving moment, every dream and every hope, all coalesced into that one moment when their lips found comfort in each other. Soft hesitant pecks morphing into needy ones.

It took them some time to come up for air, all the pent up frustrations pulling them back towards the kiss every time someone tried to break apart. Once the initial surprise and want and the need for the physical contact slowed down, and only then, Alec dared to open his eyes and glance down at Magnus. What surprised him the most was the complete absence of regret in those brown eyes that stared back at him.

The intensity of the moment they shared had managed to clear his mind off of all unwanted thoughts and fears and now that he was calmed down, Alec started doing what he was best at. Overthinking his way into the utmost mess that his mind is. He started pulling back fearing that he took advantage of Magnus' drunken state. He might have gone down to get water and has sobered up enough to be aware of his actions, but Magnus didn’t, he was still drunk. He could have saved this moment, what was going to be his best memory of a first kiss, had he not chosen to act so selfish instead of ruining it in its entirety.   
Alec felt the tears pricking the corners of his eyes, the guilt of what he did slowly making its way out. He knew he should act like none of it matters and chalk it up to a drunken night adventure but who is he kidding? Alec is and had always been a one soul for a life kind of a guy and even though he never confessed to anyone but himself that he found his lifeline in Magnus, pretending that this was a mistake was hard for him. 

He felt the walls closing in, the comfort that Magnus’ hands gave him suddenly choking him. Alec had to get out of here. Maybe, if he managed to leave now, he can at least save what was left of their friendship. Maybe, by tomorrow Magnus wouldn’t even remember something like this happened, it will be just a hazy dream and they would be back to normal with him stealing occasional glances at Magnus. 

When he felt the arms around him loosening up a bit, Alec made a dash for it and leaped out of the bed. He didn’t even look back, unable to see the disgust on Magnus’ face. The voices in his head and the ringing in his ears making him deaf to Magnus’ voice from behind. He quickly crossed the sleeping bodies in the living room and walked out of the house, the sudden burst of cool air calming him down. His mind being all over the place, Alec didn’t realize that his feet took him to the earlier swing set and as soon as he made the connection, a fresh wave of guilt swept over him. 

Unable to stay on his feet for too long, Alec tumbled on to one of the swings and let his tears out. He lost track of time, completely unaware of how long he spent crying. As the tears slowly dried up and the sobs quietened down to sniffs, Alec opened his eyes only to find someone sitting next to him. He didn’t have to look to see Magnus in the adjacent swing set, his body and mind sensing Magnus’ presence whenever he is close by. Now that the flooded emotions were let out, Alec willed himself to be strong, his walls slowly going up to face anything and everything that is thrown at him. 

“Was our kiss too bad that you had to literally run away after that?” Of all the things Alec expected Magnus to say, this was not one of them. 

“Wh…What?” Words were completely failing him. 

“Why did you run away?”

“You were… You were drunk. And I didn’t want to…” Magnus was not making sense. Why is he not angry? Why is he sitting there calmly and asking him questions? Why can’t he just shout at Alec for being so disgusting? 

“Take advantage of me?”

If he had a choice, Alec would dig himself a hole in the ground and never come out. “I am sorry... It was a mistake. It will never happen again.”

“Which part? The kiss or the running-away?”

The running-away. The kiss was never a mistake, and it will never be. I have always wanted to kiss you, for as long as I remember. This was the day I dreamed of, ever since I met you. And now that it happened, I want it to happen again. And again. For every damn day till I die. I would gladly spend all my waking moment with you, staring into your eyes and kissing you rather than running away. Knowing you from afar, being friends with you, was never enough for me. I want to be yours, for all eternity and I want you to be mine. 

Words and thoughts were a jumble in his mind, confessions making a beeline to get out of him, but Alec clamped them down. They might pour out of him and once it does, Alec won’t be able to stop it, so he shut his mouth tighter, chewed on his lips, and swallowed his thoughts, they weren’t meant to be heard by another soul. 

Alec feared that if he even dared to look in Magnus’ direction, he would clearly piece together what was going inside his mind so he looked straight ahead, into the trees that line the garden, making out shapes in the darkness, rather than confronting his feelings. He heard the swing set creak and out of the periphery of his eyes, he saw Magnus walking towards him. As he reached closer, Magnus knelt down before Alec and took his trembling hands in his own. Alec looked down and focused on their joined hands, on how they fit together perfectly. 

“Alec, look at me. Look me in the eyes and say that the kiss was a mistake. And I’ll back off.” The once dried up tears started reappearing and Alec watched as a stray teardrop fell on their hands. “Tell me that the sparks I felt the first day I met you was just in my mind. Tell me that every time I saw you glancing at me was just my imagination. Tell me that the chills I felt all those times we accidentally touched each other was just me making things up. Tell me that the happiness I felt every time I saw you laughing out loud was not real. Tell me you didn’t feel what I felt when we kissed earlier, and I’ll back off. I’ll go away and we’ll forget this ever happened.”

Alec might have surely died of mortification and all this might be his punishment, his torture in hell. Or he might still be too piss drunk and he was just dreaming. Because why else in the world would Magnus say all these things to him? Definitely, he was not someone who will be noticed by Magnus, much rather admired by him. 

Alec slowly lifted his eyes up to look at Magnus and to ask him to get out of his dreams. But what greeted him was a pair of eyes, filled with fear and hope. This was not the Magnus he knew. Magnus was never this vulnerable. Never this scared of someone’s response. And in a moment of deafening clarity, Alec knew that everything he said was true. And Magnus was waiting. Waiting for him to say that all this was a mistake and waiting for his heart to be broken. And Alec did not know what to say. So he did the only thing that made sense anymore. 

He broke away their joined hands and if he saw the lights go out in Magnus’ eyes for a fraction of a second, he didn’t pause to correct it. Rather, he cupped Magnus’ face and looked straight in his eyes only to see the lights coming back up. And with a silent nod for permission, Alec swooped in and kissed him hard. He swallowed up a quiet sob that escaped out of Magnus, feeling both of their tears soaking up their kiss. 

Magnus opened his eyes and there he was, the first rays of sun hitting Alec’s face in all the right places and the joy and love dancing in his eyes, the sky behind him a peachy pink at the horizon. He never saw a sight more beautiful than this in all his life, so he whispered the only thought that popped into his mind. 

“I love you.”

It took far less than a second to see the realization dawn in Alec’s eyes and much lesser for him to whisper it back.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you all have made it this far, thank you. 
> 
> Malec came into my life when I was at my lowest. So since then, it has always been an important part of my life. All of you, who are still part of the fandom even long after the show has ended, I know you all hold the show and their relationship at great importance. So thank you for staying together and supporting each other through these tough times. 
> 
> Keep spreading happiness.   
> Keep bringing joy to the world.


End file.
